damnit man.
i KNOW that once he knows about the breakup my rep would go down the drain.
so i would be known as 'the bad girl'. the girl who broke the guy's heart through her [selfish] actions.
ive geared myself up for it.
but damn man!
ive got my own reasons okae? for some strange reasons it isnt working out like i thought that it would at the start? maybe i got caught up with the novelty of having someone who's looking out for me instead of me doing the looking out. and when it wear off.. admittedly, i didnt really think it through. those who had gone through a relationship should know how easy it is to fall into another relationship, a rebound relationship. guess i shouldve opened my eyes wider. and then i would be able to see why isnt he the one for me instead of trying to convince myself he is the one just cause he can make me laugh and stuff. damnit.
i dont like to hurt people. you think that im some kind of perverse creature gets her joy seeing others hurt? freaking hell, that's CHEAP THRILL! sorry but ive got better things to find joy with. besides. i know how destructive [for a lack of better term] it is a breakup can be. especially when one had invested both time and money in it. i know cause ive went through it. but what good does it do? i ended things cause i dont want to 'string him along', so to say, letting him think that there is a chance to save the relationship when i know that my heart is already unwilling. im sorry but i dont self-psycho. im just that intolerant. anyhow. it didnt do any good. cause i still ended up hurting him cause he thinks that it's his fault.
i feel like screaming at him to open his eyes. and wake up. it's NOT HIS FAULT!! how many times must i say?? IT"S ME! happy?
this whole thing is driving me insane.
sometimes i think that there's nothing wrong with doing/standing up for what you think is right. but it so happens that everytime people would think that the best option would be the opposite of what one had taken. and that would be when people would go insane wondering if they had taken the right option.
i think im unable to reciprocrate the love shown to me by the other party. i both welcome and reject it. but it so happens that i reject it often. in BGR terms, i would like to reciprocrate it. but i guess because of my last relationship that's why my heart's so guarded. perhaps im afraid that if i open up and bare my heart and give my all in the relationship [not talking physically but mentally] but in the end the other party still choose to leave me- im sure that i couldnt bear it..
relationship is all about trust. youve got to trust the other person not to leave you. guess i dont have the courage to fully trust the other person. afterall, i keep one part of my heart locked away with ice surrounding it to prevent it from feeling anything. hence ensuring that i wouldnt ever be hurt.
enthnically wrong. but to me it's a survival thing. i cant bear the pain if someone important in my life were to leave me [even if i had mental preparation for it]..again.
maybe one day when you go through it you would understand how i feel.
just maybe.
quite unfair it actually is that he always gives his all in relationship but ends up getting hurt in the end. i know that all the sorrys in the world couldnt make up for it.. if there's one thing i can do, i would reverse the time and stop it from happening.
but if it didnt happen, i dont think that i would learn so much about myself.
eg my low tolerance level and my incapabilty to selfpsycho.
the world is a place of cause and effect.
events happen that change and shape our lives and character.
what that doesnt kill you just makes you stronger afterall
